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Sanity

I’ve been working towards my dream for years now. What dream? To teach Quiet Mind Seminars and to write. But haven’t I been doing that? Yes, but unfortunately it doesn’t pay the bills, and I have to keep up my computer and website business. The price of chasing my dream is long hours immersed in this highly focused, mentally taxing work.

My clients call me the computer expert. I find that description a bit of a stretch, but it’s true that I do tricks and escape from traps that drive normal people crazy. They don’t want to lose their minds, so they hire me to lose it for them. You laugh? Hey … a little compassion please.

Several times a week something goes awry; several times a year a whole week goes awry. This is shaping up to be one such week. I’ve been wrestling with printed circuits and hexadecimal code for hour after long hour, falling behind on both my day job and my labors of love. This blog is now two days late; my revamped website is six months overdue. My next book is…okay, now I’m starting to choke up.

In my mindful reflection workshops I talk about how expectations set us up for disappointment. I preach detachment. I encourage my students to let go. I take the moments of silence to sit quietly and practice what I preach. Next morning, though, I’m back bending computers to my will—or having my will bent to theirs. It’s poetic justice, I suppose. A reminder of real life. How easy it is to maintain peace of mind when the circumstances are just right, but how about when they’re not? 

The thing is, to dream a good dream and stay on track. Wish wisely, and never give up.

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2 responses to “Sanity”

  1. Johanne

    I think that dreams and goals are important but if they become ‘cows’ (as defined by Thich Nhat Hanh as things that weigh on us and make us unhappy), then they are not worth keeping and should be let go. I guess the trick is to know if a dream has become a cow or if it is still worth pursuing. I suppose that that is where meditation comes in. If your dream is to write and teach then why are you so intent on blogs and other marketing schemes to promote your work? Wouldn’t you be happier simply to write the books and then let go of the outcome? Just a thought… have a nice day and may your cows stay in the field where they belong.

    I wouldn’t write if no one was reading. What gives it meaning is human contact. Besides, I enjoy blogging. My dream is to do what I’m good at—”follow my bliss,” as Joseph Cambell would say. Why would that weigh on me?

  2. sandra

    I enjoy reading your blogs every day. I don’t always have a comment to make but wanted to say that it’s good to know I’n not the only one who can get swallowed up in self doubt. This is a constant battle for me, I do my best to see the doubt for what it is, a habit, not who I am or want to be. It’s hard work, but as you said ‘never give up’. That’s the only option for me! Make sense?

    Getting swallowed is absolutely the worst, but what’s more insidious is the way that self-doubt’s always hiding around the next corner, waiting to pounce. Mindfulness is being on guard.

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